Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in Hello My Name Is: ???'s LiveJournal:

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Thursday, May 17th, 2007
10:28 pm	snowflakes are falling grown so attached to something that is gone i find myself disattached from everything now. not even restoring that addictive past may fill the hole that i find doveloping before me. When thinking back on every day i wonder if it was what i was suppose to be doing on this day, or if the road most travelled has passed me by completely. No more regretting though, its not about wishing just a wonderment that crosses over me like a gust of cold wind on a winter day, just that reminder of where I am, and the knowledge that summer may still be farther off. Is it easier to lose ones mind than to maintain a sanity that feels so fake, just give me time and I will slide down one side of the mountain, toppling down a cliff or walking down its slopes, but to get out i must walk through the cold either way. I will survive, the eternal question is, "will my mind?". (Comment on this)
Wednesday, April 25th, 2007
2:11 pm	Drifting Madness floating along getting by forgetting thoughts as they haunt my dreams. I dreamt a dream of killing a man. He stole much from me in life, and in my dream he decided it wasn't enough so he took my house, as i came home he was laying in my bed making himself comfortable, so i took the liberty to show my feelings on his unwelcomed presence. I told him to leave, and resisted so i attempted to restrain him, but found myself overwhelmed like neverbefore, so i tried to beat him in the face, but found no satisfaction as his face refused to be pulped, as he smiled at me, I took a club and hit him with it morphing his smile into a laughter so cutting it hurt my head to be near this repulsive creature. I knew not what to do except grab a gun and aim it at him and shoot. I pictured it in my head with pleasure to imagine this foul loathsome creature falling to the floor with a hole in its head the size of a galaxy. As the gunshot went off I found myself stunned from the sound of it and saw his face, not of physical pain, but of morbid shock, as I fell to the floor with the gun still in my hand I realized just before I awoke that he had not been injured, but was stunned to find, just as I myself was, that the gun in my hand was pointed at my own skull. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Saturday, April 21st, 2007
11:16 pm	Gotta get away my shakes are bad today, decided not to go out into public for fear that i won't be able to stop my hand from giving my flaw away to the public eye. I hate not being in control. Been at home too long now, almost two weeks, and i can't leave for 4 more days. Wish I were running away sooner, its more fun, and invigerating. People stop to tell me how running solves nothing, but all i can think of is how much distance i can get from those conversations. I also hear that quiters never win, except when quitting smoking, than your a winner, and how not winning isn't the end of the world, but society looks down on college flunkies. I decided that advice is just a word, and anything that follows it is merely subjective and mostly grains of salt from those not so seasoned after all. (Comment on this)
4:11 am	bleeding from the inside listening to my friend who is sitting to tell me his women troubles and life problems, i find myself feeling lightheaded, and tasting a metallic flavor in my mouth. My stomach turns and tells me of a problem with my body. I run for a restroom and throw up blood into the toilet. Stomach acid and what looks like a water bottles worth of thick red blood. What do i do, should i go to the hospital, tell my friend im in trouble? I decided to excuse myself with a faint excuse of a bed time, and return to my home, where my bed is, and sleep until i have forgotten what is wrong with me. Now that im home, i decided that i should record these thoughts before i risk dieing before i wake. good night. (4 Comments |Comment on this)
Sunday, April 15th, 2007
7:11 pm	What time was it when... My mind constantly races these days. I ponder on subjects that get me nowhere, i worry about things that leave me nervous, and I make for the future that i never plan to keep. A phrase always comes to me whenever I write, and I always type it out, and realize that I never can finish it, I find that I will type "What time was it when..." and i never know why, and when i get to "when" the thought vanishes every time and i end up deleting it, because it has always been that something that has been at the tip of the tounge, without forming more words i feel lost. maybe I am trying to tell myself something, or maybe there is a feeling i need to get across to my readers that i can never form. Sometimes i have tried making something up after that phrase that haunts me so, but it has never felt right, you be the judge from my past writings. Did the ending for it fit then? It feels like a force of nature when i think of that phrase though, as if its always about to become mind blowing, oh well. Current Mood: accomplished (Comment on this)
3:52 am	I tell lies When ever i talk to people who i have known for sometime, i see something in their eyes, disbelief. They know ilie, im a liar, i would lie my ass off. Its not the stories of my past though as most would believe, its my feelings. i keep the anger, and emotion, and hatred, and sadness caged, cause i don't wish to explain any of it to anyone. (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Friday, April 13th, 2007
10:52 pm	why should i listen i watch and listen to things around me, mostly just soaking it in and not spouting it back out like a regurgitating machine. People ask me to listen to actual monologues of their life as though it would make a difference from the other 99 percent of what i hear them say, its all meaningless, rarely do i hear something come out of a persons mouth that has some baring on me, my life, or society itself, so what is it to me to listen anyway, maybe its for advice they wish to recieve back, but that can't be, because people are stuborn and rarely listen to those they have listen to them, we take advice from those we respect, and those we respect are often not the same individuals that we ask to listen to our problems because we do not wish to lose that respect we imagine that they hold of us. So is their asolution to this, yes, stop asking others to listen, because we rarely actually understand where the other person is coming from, and if we even do have ome incling as to what their situation might be like due to past experiences of our own, we must all remember one thing, we don't all think alike, and something i might take for granted another person may feel is vital to their existence. Advice is not the answer, go pay for a shrink, they will tell you that the answer is in ourselves, they merely help us explore our answers until something comes from within to solve the dilema. thanks for sitting on the couch. (Comment on this)
4:12 am	Oh love, how you remind me... The color reminds me of an amber running from the trees of maple, seeping out at an incredible rate as if time were sped up to accomodate the comparison and to apease the eyes. the essence is a sweet memory of the fields of oak and nature caressing the body nurturing it in the warm sun under the cool touch for 5 minutes in an april shower. To feel the liquid burn just slightly to remind me of life and the invigerating spunk of youth again lets me know that one more time, I will dance the familiar dance with that sweet bourbon. The different dressing it may have dons'nt change the feelings it gives me, be it an old fashion, or a mint julep, or even doubled on the rocks, it will always be a friend. Now if you will excuse me, i think their playing our song... (Comment on this)
Monday, April 9th, 2007
2:12 am	Blessings in disguise Isn't it funny how whvingen a person takes you from completely happy to completely miserable that everyone else says that its ablessing in disguise, or how everything happens for a reason. We all think that we are meant for something, or maybe we are all meant for something to someone, whichever it is, neither matters to me when i have been stomped into the mud so please do not make this bitter taste of ass kicking out to be some tang of margaritta, doesn't matte how much liquir salt or sour mix, its still gonna taste like misery to me. Ialways feel like the worst feeling of when something horrible happens to me is not the feeling itself, but the knowledge always deepseeded inside that keeps telling me, you will get past this, and you will learn from it. It almost feels like a part of me that feels so horrible knows that the feelings are kind of empty just having the knowledge that its a fleeting thing. I guess the flip side to that coin is the emo take on life, feeling like every moment has the world resting on each little outcome, oh i got mustard on my sandwhich, i ordered no mustard, wheres my razorblade! i am wearing down inside these days, changing my outlook on life to protect my self, not that we don't all do it, i guess im just actively observing my ne self that reflects my surounding. i just realized that im kind of a wity mean son of a bitch. guess its been a long time since i have been posting, mostly i have been living myself into poverty, enjoying the fleeting wealth of the poor and the journeys of the bohemians. no time to grab a drink like the present. heres a toast to time, enjoy the youth while it lasts our bodies are fragile. (Comment on this)
Tuesday, July 11th, 2006
5:56 am	Measuring stick Maybe my standards are too high. What do I trully look for in a women that is not present in the offers i recieve? I doubt my requirements are too far out of bounds from any expected norm in society, but maybe it limits it to a percentage of the population that is far too difficult to seek. Intelligence, Ambition, Drive, Empathy, Appreciation of the finer things in life, and physically in shape even if just remotely. I thought about this the other day when i began questioning my longterm state of stag behavior. I even thought of how true the statement was of how loving, losing, is better than never loving. I did see the turh in it, the truth that absolute loneliness must be painful for those who never find anyone to care for them in that manner, but it aroused a different question in myself. Why do i have this ingrained belief that I must find this "missing half" of myself. Is this just as futal a drive as video gamers have of needing to overcome games? I must have some happiness in my own life, most of the things i desire in another are not things that I would expect of a person who is merely waiting for me to find them, for if they desire the same things in me. The search for another is merely another temptation one must willfully set aside in order to concentrate on ones self, then once one has done what they are able to in their own lifes, will they trully be prepared to admit that other into their own life without it becoming a relationship of emotionally dependent leaches... i need a drink. (Comment on this)
Monday, July 10th, 2006
4:50 am	Read all about it! calling all seekers, seekers of truth! The world is going to end, just praise along with the blind and mute. Called upon for spreading the good news, let the people rejoice of the ending of the world, were not going to live to regret, the after life is merely a myth. Extra, Extra, hear all about it, called upon to walk the earth for all eternity without purpose, man, reign coming to an end. let the people rejoice, its not a worry any longer. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Wednesday, July 5th, 2006
2:50 am	screams into another fourth of july night. im a starving artist without a talent waiting to be found by a pack of jackals. Sure is time to close the gates to the evening well spent in a room full of strangers. Looks of discombobulation are exchanged with fleeting moments and memories of past times that never occured run through the mind. missed chances are merely close calls of great misfortunes. The forecastle of my mind is spilling over unto the stern with a massive amount of data being read by the wrong viewer and called upon out of text to misconstrue the true meanings. Last regrets and starting stages blend together too often for coincidence. I live for the moments when those who truelly understand me come in contact even for an instant, it fills my sinking heart with a joy long enough to almost forget the outage that was caused upon it. Singing misfortunes are a mixed blessing when the sung in another language. (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Thursday, February 23rd, 2006
5:00 pm	Don't listen to the tin man, he tells nothing but lies! Call into play a deprived long overdue character growing older, but still good as new Turned from the game after several bad calls lost face in the pool of endless bodies cold tide washes away the burden of memory title gone and name changing rapidly the burden of the wind is but to change my surface cold water runs over my face and clenses there are no "oxygen absorbers" for life to keep us from getting to far away from familiarity go with the flow, let time rot away connections change the tune and play along with the new thing close my door, say goodbye, and don't expect another hello don't expect it to be a last departing either Truth be told, i never liked the world I loved it for every discrepency and flaw cold undertakings of harmless depts to society no one owes me a thing, i expect the retribution regardless Life is an untold story, until you tell it so tell me all about your life, in one breath of a word. (Comment on this)
Wednesday, November 23rd, 2005
4:34 am	The worlds full of lieing and im falling out of grace just losing face. cheeting is a concept foreign to me, not from lack of practice, but lack of understanding as to why people care. If i can not find a stable ground of understanding of this dream of life then what hope do I have of grasping the meaning of living at all. Death is not the tragedy, living when you shouldn't is the tragedy. Those who knew me once are but strangers to who i am now, and i have no desire to reintroduce me to whoever the hell they have become. Complete misery is only the first step to salvation, the next is volentary death. So good holdiays to all, seeing as that time of year is back once again, and remember that if you walk around with anything less than a smile, people will see through the mask. Keep trucking and hope you sruvive long enough to die. (8 Comments |Comment on this)
Monday, November 21st, 2005
1:49 am	Masks I recently realized that the odd feeling I have had as of late has been explained. I feel as if I am me roleplaying a human being. What an odd notion to almost be human. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Friday, November 4th, 2005
1:13 am	Great lines get remembered, great stories are never forgotten. Lifes cruel jokes plague me on a daily basis. Every morning i awaken from a feeling of happiness from a dream well spent, to remembering my own life in a blink of an eye, the thought, like a string, that held my grin is cut just as swiftly. Mornings are not all too dificult after coping with the reality of my alarm clock, and it's snooze button four times. I am able to function enough to make an effort toward the beginings of a day. It is better not to think about what is in store and what must be accomplished, because I surely will not do the tasks at hand. I will either spend the day in school or at home until I work up enough guts to leave my house. I hate doing either, because being at school only reminds me of what I cannot make my mind complete in... Staying at home is no better, awakaning unknowing of what I am suppose to do, or unwilling to do what I am needing to finish. Looking for a movie I numb my mind for a bit relaxing the frustration of thinking out a game plan. This does not work all of the time seeing as most movies have something that remind me of things that I need to get done, or things I don't want to remember. Realizing that I have watched the program the day before, or hate whatever it is im distracting myself with, i will find an excuse to leave to never never land where all of my friends are kids, and do nothing all day, in other words adults who are irresponsible like little children. I find myself turning down drugs, and passing on drinks, because I know it will only make me worse. I think of the homework that I have yet to do from 4 weeks ago, and all of it since, and think to myself that food is what i need, so I eat, even though I am still full. Thoughts get cloudy, and time passes by with a quickness, and the next time I step outdoors, its dark. I don't return phone calls because I don't feel like it, or because I forget all together. Smoking is all that satisfies me, and wanting is something that drives me through the next day. I am tapped out, burned out on the nector of life. I return home and already another 5 hours have passed, where does that time go, I have done nothing today. I watch a movie, and maybe two, talk to my dog about my day, and how I miss the past. I check my email to see how unnoticed I have gone in my time of mistaken hidding. sleep is a scar thought, because I am afraid of awakening the next day from a good dream, or suffering through the night with the nightmares that are hunting me, and those night terrors circling waiting for me to be even weeker. I am tired and somber, so the warm blanket will protect me from another cruel day, at least for my next three hours of sleep. life is just one slow, painful death Current Mood: doom backwards (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Thursday, October 6th, 2005
3:02 am	Psycho Coffee Talk, with your host H.I. Life lost, love forgotten, whats left to undo? See prizes waiting to be opened in every person I meet, wonder what it is they are looking for, and if that pursuit is for something tangable in another person, and if they will ever find it. Since love can not be measured, it is hard to know if we have the best we could ever have with one person. If love could be measured, i think we would be misserable though. Can't decide on what I am looking for, thought it was one thing for almost a year, and now, i am just realizing that infatuations can last even longer than that, so dismissing it was all that was needed after all. Is this loneliness, and will the other side of the fence only cause me to miss this feeling? Too soon to find out, maybe 10 years ill figure it out. Turn my attention towards a focused writting, not this dribble, but a talent I constantly forget to tend too. I wish the world would all stop and listen in admiration to at least one word I had to say, for than i would be happy to lay down and die. Long be the path when first travelled, but looking back, it always seem as if the time flew by. Every women that has been apart of my life feels as only a bugsplat on the windshield of my life. One liners do not make a good writer. (Comment on this)
Saturday, October 1st, 2005
6:56 am	Dark be the day that it dawn no more. I am in a paradox of uncontrolled laziness and procrastination. I find myself unable to focus long enough to finish tasks set forth by myself or others, and am feeling more and more engulfed in the obligations at hand. I wish I had the workers mentallity, but I can not even make myself get on a decent sleeping schedule. waking up at 7am, going through an entire day of worklike procedures, then when the time of rest comes round, I find my body unwilling to cooperate with my desire to sleep. Trapped in an insomniacs daydream I am acking to wake up, or go to sleep. I am too tired to awaken, or to awakened to fall asleep. The fear of dileriam is a fantacy I do not have the luxery of, for my insanity already borders on clinical, and no drugs can bring me back, but only push me further along a binge. Calling myself intilectual feels as equally wrong as using terms such as incompatent. Turning to friends for advice I am suprised to find only myself as an expert of my own problem. Situations do not resemble one another any more than modern art resembles anything beyond its intended feeling. Since feelings can not be put into words, no describing my situations will convey the intentions unto the listener. I'll gladly write a book of advice about how it is not usefull. Current Mood: thinking Zs Current Music: brazilian girls. (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Saturday, September 17th, 2005
4:29 pm	Superman has past away. September 17 2005 at 0200 in the morning He was discovered peacefully asleep in his bed, and I felt a wave of unknowing come about me. Everyone attempted to console me saying that he is in a better place now, with his wife, and all of the people of times past. I took no comfort in their words though, for I am not a man of god, and I am satisfied in the idea that when we die, we are just no more. For he is no more, and I am happy with that, because I remember how he was, and how he lived, for that is the heaven we all seek, the fondest of memories placed in those who we loved, and who loved us. My first thought after the grief was relieved within me, was that I would have to go buy a tie, that I was certain he would have approved of. (Comment on this)
Friday, September 9th, 2005
4:43 am	the time of the meeting went better than expected, not only was the intrest single sided, but their was a sort of unspoken anomocity among the opposite party. What I had dreamed of as being a rejoing and meeting between to lost loves, or two lost friends, turned to a bitter resentment of the entire weekend. Turn my insides to the world and expose me for what I really am, a fool. The night might have been nicer had a drinken a tiny more, maybe not for others, but I would not have remembered making an ass of myself, no matter how much more of an ass I would have been having been even drunker. twice i have heard tonight the concept of a true love out there just waiting for me, and all i needed was ;patients. twice i responded with the idea that americans are about emmediate gradification, and no patients or memory. I am ready to leave this town, fuck the seventy dollar deposit on the kegs, and fuck the twenty dollars that girl owes me for liquir, i need restitution in the form of escape. One more time for the kicking man i have paid, one more time for the jokster im played. quicken the steps and run for a while, turn to an ally, it turned from a dark gruisome place into the home of several individuals. Carried away with a notion long lost, I confused the strangers with a smile of foolishness. He asked me my name three times, to put the point to rest in my head, that it didn't matter, so i called him the wrong name the rest of the night to make him realize that I didn't care. Call my cab and send me away, pay the toll and let me be on my way, you won't hear from me, for I will never return, and call me no more so as to not let it burn. Look for a signal, and go in for a landing, turned down to offers of coming to a stop early elsewear. I had my eye on an airport I need to be at, and the last minute, I was rejected so a higher priority VIP small engine plane could take my parking spot. I leave and decide not to even land elsewear near by, for my fuel is enough to return to my starting point without crashing my plane. CQ, CQ, this is Wiskey Alpha Niner, departing airspace, thanks for nothing, and change your call sign to FB. Wiskey Alpha Niner out... (Comment on this)